If this situation continues, if all efforts and expectations don't match the result, if prayers are not granted, and if wishes don't come true, I can't think of any other way to pursue happiness.
--Me
Earlier this semester I had a serious determination to fix my GPA. It wasn't that bad, actually...but in order to enter Chemical Engineering, it surely wasn't enough. Stands in the borderline of "yes" and "no", I daresay. I tried to find all the mistakes I've done in the first semester, dig up "causes" and designed a new way of learning. I realized that nothing would turn good if I stayed the same, so I made some changes in the hope that I'd reach a better level of understanding of the lessons.
I started "the revolutionary road" by examining my biggest weakness: physics. One or two weeks after IVED, I "tagged" one my debate friend, Darwin Xie, to teach me about this field. He is majoring in electrical engineering, which is perfect because I'm gonna study about electric current, magnetic fields and all of those modern physics stuffs this semester. I was really happy to have him as my "private teacher", cause he provided new, deeper insights on those chapters and he really helped me to understand the basics needed for dealing with complicated problems. In addition, my former BlackBerry-addict lecturer, Mr. *censored* was replaced by Dr. Alamta, who turns out to be THE BEST PHYSICS LECTURER EVER. He's SUPER KIND and PATIENT, he writes on blackboard instead of explaining with PowerPoint slide, and he teaches with all his heart! I thought, with the combination of all these elements, I'd have a magnificent physics final score. For the first time in my life, I could really say I like physics.
Several days before the first physics mid-semester exam, I was in a hectic mode. I've already understood the basics, something which is very rare..thanks to Darwin. I still needed to examine some other problems and tutorials before I feel ready. On Wednesday, I had about full 4 hours physics evening with my FTI friends and a genius of School of Electrical Engineering and Informatics, Rido. Again I was very lucky to be taught by such expert, particularly a super patient and bound-to-basics-and-simple-solutions kind of person. I was really confident that I'd get a good score in the Friday test.
The night before Friday, I spent my time reading all of Dr. Alamta's lecture that I wrote during classes. I read about capacitors, I even tried to differentiate many of the equations by myself. I tried to master the applications of Gauss' Law and flux thingy, and I stayed up late. I spent Friday morning learning from Bundel Soal Gamais, turned down about 8-10 problems, read Surah Yaasiin and went to campus with a glimmer of hope.
I was very confident. I didn't feel any nervousness whatsoever. I ate milk chocolate before going. I wasn't in any way being stressful.
It was actually going to be a wonderful Friday evening, if only the expectations I've set became real.
What happened? I don't know! I read the first question: coulomb's law combined with electric field. Easy trick. But then, I was puzzled by all the shitty vectors and scattered, disgusting calculations then I didn't manage to get any expected, normal result. Groaned, I moved to the 2nd question. OH. MY. GOD. Just damn identical with Dr. Alamta's lecture! Calculating total flux in a block. I thought it was going to be easy. I really thought it was. I was even smiling. Again, shitty vectors! I miscalculated the direction, and it turned out to be A BIG ZERO. The 2b and 2c questions were automatically left answered with BIG ZERO.
Third question was about capacitors with dielectric parts being put in. Shit, it's supposed to be SUPER-EASY. SUPER-EASY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND I COULD NOT EVEN DO ANY OF THE QUESTIONS GIVEN. I was wanting to kill myself for not being able to answer it. TWO QUESTIONS COMING OUT FROM MY LECTURER'S NOTES THAT I'VE JUST READ PRECISELY THE NIGHT BEFORE AND IT TURNS OUT THAT I COULD NOT EVEN IMAGINE ANYTHING.
The fourth and fifth question? Just don't ask. What else do you think I could do? I'm a damn sensitive and unstable person, that when I encounter problems I always need time to cool down and relax before getting ready to fix things up. Doing that in a minute? YOU THINK??
Stupidity wins, people. Wins over the bloodshed dramas and will. What is the purpose of always being constantly reminded about working hard? Who am I, am a human, with limited storage of patience and natural push to become easily unsatisfied?
I was, frankly, really disincentified. I feel like nothing else stands in the path of fate. Who am I to change the fate by hard work? Who am I? I am a person who was destined to fail. I don't want to believe so, but I can't help fueling negative thoughts into my mind. Why do I have to encounter this kind of problem when I started to love something that I previously really hated?
Does God never think about the implications that that mid-exam event brings? I am now losing my faith to "principles of being a genius of hard work". I am now starting to doubt my own religion. I am now a helpless idiot trying to survive in this harsh world. I am now really lazy to do all the daily religious activities.
If everything has been written down, if nothing can be changed, if humans are destined to only have a particular way, then what is the purpose of choosing?
I started "the revolutionary road" by examining my biggest weakness: physics. One or two weeks after IVED, I "tagged" one my debate friend, Darwin Xie, to teach me about this field. He is majoring in electrical engineering, which is perfect because I'm gonna study about electric current, magnetic fields and all of those modern physics stuffs this semester. I was really happy to have him as my "private teacher", cause he provided new, deeper insights on those chapters and he really helped me to understand the basics needed for dealing with complicated problems. In addition, my former BlackBerry-addict lecturer, Mr. *censored* was replaced by Dr. Alamta, who turns out to be THE BEST PHYSICS LECTURER EVER. He's SUPER KIND and PATIENT, he writes on blackboard instead of explaining with PowerPoint slide, and he teaches with all his heart! I thought, with the combination of all these elements, I'd have a magnificent physics final score. For the first time in my life, I could really say I like physics.
Several days before the first physics mid-semester exam, I was in a hectic mode. I've already understood the basics, something which is very rare..thanks to Darwin. I still needed to examine some other problems and tutorials before I feel ready. On Wednesday, I had about full 4 hours physics evening with my FTI friends and a genius of School of Electrical Engineering and Informatics, Rido. Again I was very lucky to be taught by such expert, particularly a super patient and bound-to-basics-and-simple-solutions kind of person. I was really confident that I'd get a good score in the Friday test.
The night before Friday, I spent my time reading all of Dr. Alamta's lecture that I wrote during classes. I read about capacitors, I even tried to differentiate many of the equations by myself. I tried to master the applications of Gauss' Law and flux thingy, and I stayed up late. I spent Friday morning learning from Bundel Soal Gamais, turned down about 8-10 problems, read Surah Yaasiin and went to campus with a glimmer of hope.
I was very confident. I didn't feel any nervousness whatsoever. I ate milk chocolate before going. I wasn't in any way being stressful.
It was actually going to be a wonderful Friday evening, if only the expectations I've set became real.
What happened? I don't know! I read the first question: coulomb's law combined with electric field. Easy trick. But then, I was puzzled by all the shitty vectors and scattered, disgusting calculations then I didn't manage to get any expected, normal result. Groaned, I moved to the 2nd question. OH. MY. GOD. Just damn identical with Dr. Alamta's lecture! Calculating total flux in a block. I thought it was going to be easy. I really thought it was. I was even smiling. Again, shitty vectors! I miscalculated the direction, and it turned out to be A BIG ZERO. The 2b and 2c questions were automatically left answered with BIG ZERO.
Third question was about capacitors with dielectric parts being put in. Shit, it's supposed to be SUPER-EASY. SUPER-EASY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND I COULD NOT EVEN DO ANY OF THE QUESTIONS GIVEN. I was wanting to kill myself for not being able to answer it. TWO QUESTIONS COMING OUT FROM MY LECTURER'S NOTES THAT I'VE JUST READ PRECISELY THE NIGHT BEFORE AND IT TURNS OUT THAT I COULD NOT EVEN IMAGINE ANYTHING.
The fourth and fifth question? Just don't ask. What else do you think I could do? I'm a damn sensitive and unstable person, that when I encounter problems I always need time to cool down and relax before getting ready to fix things up. Doing that in a minute? YOU THINK??
Stupidity wins, people. Wins over the bloodshed dramas and will. What is the purpose of always being constantly reminded about working hard? Who am I, am a human, with limited storage of patience and natural push to become easily unsatisfied?
I was, frankly, really disincentified. I feel like nothing else stands in the path of fate. Who am I to change the fate by hard work? Who am I? I am a person who was destined to fail. I don't want to believe so, but I can't help fueling negative thoughts into my mind. Why do I have to encounter this kind of problem when I started to love something that I previously really hated?
Does God never think about the implications that that mid-exam event brings? I am now losing my faith to "principles of being a genius of hard work". I am now starting to doubt my own religion. I am now a helpless idiot trying to survive in this harsh world. I am now really lazy to do all the daily religious activities.
If everything has been written down, if nothing can be changed, if humans are destined to only have a particular way, then what is the purpose of choosing?
1 comments:
marsh, Allah menilai usahamu yang benar-benar Subhanallah itu, bukan saat kamu mengerjakan ujianmu, atau bahkan dari nilai IP-mu nanti.. :)
semangat, marsh!
*malu ke diri sendiri setelah ngebaca usahamu yang waw itu. :'(
thanks for sharing.. :D
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