In Search of Truth

I dream of having faith without fear.

I dream of doing everything my religion tells me to based on unconditional love, not based on fear of being burnt in hell.

I dream of having true reason of why I do sholat, why I fast, why I read Al-Qur’an, instead of running all those routines because it’s a culture I’ve accustomed to for my whole life. Because that’s the life I’ve been living in. So do my parents’, my brother’s, my family’s.

I dream of finally do sholat five times a day because I need it, because I love doing it, not because I have to do it.

I dream that someday I’ll understand why religions clash with each other, why we have war, why we have propaganda, why we can’t tolerate others, and most importantly why we have to be separated by our different religions if the core of the teaching is the same.

My faith is shaking, and I don’t know why.

My prayers are flat. They’re soul-less. The kind of helpless words I mouthed without commitment, without learning the essence. The kind of shout I try to soften.

I miss being close to God, whatever names you and I call it. I miss having a feeling that someone up there actually cares for me, that God actually exists. How can we be sure that everything we’ve learned in our religion is actually true? It is true because we are told that it is true. There’s no room for discussions, because religion in itself is portrayed as rigid, unchangeable, uncompromisable. At the end of the day the ultimate decision is whether you believe or not. If you do, then don’t question. If you don’t, leave, and face all the social repercussions as the consequence.

Do you fear God?

I fear sin.

I fear infidelity.

Why do we have to fear God? God is supposed to be a perfect and humble entity who smiles and gives a sense of peace. The dualism of God’s role confuses me. When I get hurt, or had an accident, people say “It’s a punishment from God. You are not well-mannered. You have to fix your attitude. Go, go to Mosque right now and try for some remorse, seek for salvation so you can escape this agony”.

Why is God so fearful if God’s supposed to be loved?

Why am I forced to believe in what I believe?

I’m writing this in a full conscience. I’m writing this in The Holy Month my people celebrate. I’m writing this under the condition of believing in Islam.

I’m not gonna change my faith. Not gonna be an atheist, not gonna be any other theistic believer. I just need something, someone, some signs, to ensure me that what I believe is true; that what I have to do is not actually forced upon me but because I choose; that I understand what and who God is.

I wanna know what’s the meaning of believing.